Confinement lady is here. Mom makes me eat something before we start. Don't have much of an appetite, but I swallow a couple of crackers down and drink some milo so she wouldn't worry.
Aunty H (the confinement lady) tells me that she rarely sees cases like mine. She massages my breasts but no milk comes out. She says that usually, massages like that will make the milk flow out freely. Mine doesn't.
We've bought the formula. The first time she drinks, I feel so much relief that it hurts. But I want to cry too.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Number Four
Home.
Husband bought a nipple protector for me. I'm so tired. I've been slumped on the couch since we arrived.
The baby cries. I put on the nipple protector and latch her. She clamps her gums down on them and it's excruciating. I scream, high-pitched and my husband scrambles to get her unlatched and away from me. She cries. I cry.
My husband soothes her to sleep and goes into the room. I hear him murmuring.
An hour later. Mom is here with my sister.
They tell me to rest. I go into the room and sleep. I want to sleep and not wake up but 10 minutes later, the baby cries. She is hungry. I feed her, but I'm crying too. It hurts so much.
She falls asleep, I give her to someone, I don't remember who, and lay back down on the bed.
15 minutes later. She cries again. Shes rooting again. She was at my breast for 45 minutes and she's hungry again. I shrink back in fear. My husband and my mother look at each other worryingly.
Mom decides to try and soothe the baby to sleep instead and succeeds.
They make a quick decision, he will go out and get formula milk tomorrow. I feel relief flooding through me.
The baby cries. They wake me up, I feed her, wincing all the way.
Husband bought a nipple protector for me. I'm so tired. I've been slumped on the couch since we arrived.
The baby cries. I put on the nipple protector and latch her. She clamps her gums down on them and it's excruciating. I scream, high-pitched and my husband scrambles to get her unlatched and away from me. She cries. I cry.
My husband soothes her to sleep and goes into the room. I hear him murmuring.
An hour later. Mom is here with my sister.
They tell me to rest. I go into the room and sleep. I want to sleep and not wake up but 10 minutes later, the baby cries. She is hungry. I feed her, but I'm crying too. It hurts so much.
She falls asleep, I give her to someone, I don't remember who, and lay back down on the bed.
15 minutes later. She cries again. Shes rooting again. She was at my breast for 45 minutes and she's hungry again. I shrink back in fear. My husband and my mother look at each other worryingly.
Mom decides to try and soothe the baby to sleep instead and succeeds.
They make a quick decision, he will go out and get formula milk tomorrow. I feel relief flooding through me.
The baby cries. They wake me up, I feed her, wincing all the way.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Number Three
Getting discharged today. My nipples are already cracked and painful. They keep sticking to my nursing bra and I have to slowly peel it off and wipe them with a warm wet cloth before feeding. I'm pretty sure my latch is okay but why does it hurt so much?
Nurse prescribes Bepanthen for the cracks. MIL tells me that it shouldn't be cracked this early on.
Discharged. Mom requested for us to stop by grandma's so she can see her first great grandchild.
I have an unexplained weight in my heart and a lump in my throat. The smile is still plastered onto my face but I don't feel like a new mother should. Shouldn't she be beaming down at her beautiful baby girl? Why do I feel so detached from her?
Before leaving grandma's house, mom tells me she'll be around the next day. She takes a closer look and asks me if I'm really going to be okay. I say yes, but I can tell she's worried.
The feeling of dread grows the closer we get to home. I want to go back to the hospital. I think I feel safer there.
Nurse prescribes Bepanthen for the cracks. MIL tells me that it shouldn't be cracked this early on.
Discharged. Mom requested for us to stop by grandma's so she can see her first great grandchild.
I have an unexplained weight in my heart and a lump in my throat. The smile is still plastered onto my face but I don't feel like a new mother should. Shouldn't she be beaming down at her beautiful baby girl? Why do I feel so detached from her?
Before leaving grandma's house, mom tells me she'll be around the next day. She takes a closer look and asks me if I'm really going to be okay. I say yes, but I can tell she's worried.
The feeling of dread grows the closer we get to home. I want to go back to the hospital. I think I feel safer there.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Number Two
A more knowledgeable nurse helped me latch her today. Is it supposed to hurt this much though?
A lactationist came to teach me how to latch properly and how to feed her. So many things to remember. Bring baby to breast, not the other way around. Sit up straight and comfortable. Wake the baby up if she sleeps by playing with her ear. Don't let her comfort feed. Only feed her every 3 hours.
The baby keeps falling asleep at my breast. And it still hurts. I think I've got the latch right.
Friends and family have been visiting the whole day. I keep a smile plastered to my face but I'm crying inside. Please, take her away. I'm sorry, I'm not ready. Just take her back. Please.
Why does she keep falling asleep at my breast? She's been suckling for 45 minutes now and I want to scream it hurts so much.
What did I get myself into?
A lactationist came to teach me how to latch properly and how to feed her. So many things to remember. Bring baby to breast, not the other way around. Sit up straight and comfortable. Wake the baby up if she sleeps by playing with her ear. Don't let her comfort feed. Only feed her every 3 hours.
The baby keeps falling asleep at my breast. And it still hurts. I think I've got the latch right.
Friends and family have been visiting the whole day. I keep a smile plastered to my face but I'm crying inside. Please, take her away. I'm sorry, I'm not ready. Just take her back. Please.
Why does she keep falling asleep at my breast? She's been suckling for 45 minutes now and I want to scream it hurts so much.
What did I get myself into?
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Number One
The doctor tossed the baby onto my chest. I was in so much pain I barely noticed and by the time I did, they'd taken her away to wash her up.
He stitched me up. They said I'd hardly feel it after the pain from childbirth. They lied. It hurt.
I didn't see her for a while. So tired. I fell asleep.
Soon it was night. I heard her unique cry coming closer and closer. The nurse said she was hungry. I didn't know how to breastfeed. She didn't want to latch on.
I asked the nurse for help. She said "Keep on trying yeah?"
The baby wouldn't latch for the rest of the night.
He stitched me up. They said I'd hardly feel it after the pain from childbirth. They lied. It hurt.
I didn't see her for a while. So tired. I fell asleep.
Soon it was night. I heard her unique cry coming closer and closer. The nurse said she was hungry. I didn't know how to breastfeed. She didn't want to latch on.
I asked the nurse for help. She said "Keep on trying yeah?"
The baby wouldn't latch for the rest of the night.
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